A Strange, Painful Experience

SAT., FEB. 12, 1994, 7:02 AM
FARM, STUDY

You sit here at your desk, looking out at a cool, foggy vista, wondering how to interpret what you experienced this last night, as well as the whole of the experience. I will offer some help, but it is yours to live through, even as I am involved.

As I told you previously I did not arrange and cause this bad time with pain. As it is happening, however, it is a test of spirit, and hence I can use it for My purposes. One fundamental question, for example, is to what extent you should try to alter the situation and reduce the pain versus just accepting it and focusing on how you are to grow through hurting. What you seemed to experience last night and early this morning was the lack of effect of your pain reducers. If you really shouldn’t be taking them they just won’t work as expected. This leaves you with the dilemma of which explanation is the true one (if there is such), but it doesn’t leave you with having made some, wrong, irrevocable decision.

You wonder whether this is some sort of evil spirit experience. I’ll say… that it does have some characteristics of such, but also I am involved, so you are protected to some extent. Part of the experience can best be called delusion, out of constant pain and lack of sleep. When all of these factors are interrelated it is hard to be certain what is causing what. A somewhat relevant example: as Jesus I was sentenced to death (today there could be lengthy appeals), and I was nailed to a cross. I was much aware that this was an ultimate spiritual experience, giving My life for the sins of the world… that you and many other servants would have your sins taken away, repeatedly, because of this selfless act of Mine. At the same time I was in that suffering body. Pain was great, and it occasionally brought forth exclamations that seemed a bit inconsistent with My high spirituality. So I know what you are experiencing, in some ways.

You think you had “categories” or questions that gave some structure to the experience, but then as the painful “log jam” broke, a few hours ago, answers and the content of categories seemed to be in a rushing chaos. Is there something to this, or is it just response to pain, medication, and sleep deficit? It is not yet time for an answer. The spiritual purpose for this whole “thing” has not yet been recognized nor what you should be doing to fulfill such “requirements.” You are getting closer.

Earlier this morning you felt the relief of pain in your leg, and you hoped it would last all day. Too quickly it returned, and the dilemma of having no respite is now bothering you. Shall you continue “on your own” or should you seek some help other than that lovingly offered by Lenore? (or in addition to?) What will happen to your mind and emotions if this constant, surging pain you now feel is with you all day…and then on into another night? It doesn’t bode well. Are you being punished, tested, or are you just the victim of a rather random bodily dysfunction. I can’t answer that now, but I’ll help you see the balance when the whole experience is behind you.

Can you control your responses to the pain with just your mind and spirit? You seemed to be more able to do this this morning than last evening. Seek a better balance with your moving and moaning… a bit more accepting. You hope for some natural respite from the pain, but you realize that may not happen.

The previous times of dealing with leg, back, and spirit tell you that there shall be a final pain-free, mostly functional resolution. Yet you can’t be assured that this one will work out comparably. Is permanent disability part of your future? Is this inevitable? What you decide and what you do… and how your spirit responds… will greatly affect the spiritual growth you actually attain.