An Oral…

THURS., JULY 6, 2000, 3:08 PM
OFFICE, PULLIAM

You just have been part of a doctoral oral, which will be “one of your last”. You have mixed feelings about this, for this was a pleasant, even exciting, experience. And it also was something you “used to do”, with confidence, and now… you wonder.

You are… and deserve to be… proud of another dissertation from this program focusing on spirituality… having this now accepted as a legitimate area of research… without the “need” to use “objectivity” as a defining requirement. You have retired, but you have left at least a minor “legacy”.

It also was interesting that this had a focus on alcohol and alcoholism. This was your early “specialty” and was a good portion of your career. Much of that is forgotten now, but it does bring some joy when “someone remembers”. You also are familiar with the concept of resilience, clear from its inception. It is not easy to define, precisely, but quite a few important concepts just can’t be defined to everyone’s satisfaction.

You realize… and have to admit, that you’re losing some of your resilience, and it is not likely to “return”. Much of what you once did easily, quickly, efficiently, and with high quality now is harder to replicate. You know you have to accept such “losses”, but… there is still some need to fight… to continue as you once did.

You have elected to “retire gradually”, with afternoons such as this one marking your continuation of the competencies you once had, easily. But you realize that you must be aware of various “losses” and not continue on into obvious incompetence. There may be some embarrassing instances before you make certain decisions… and act, as you must.

“Denial” is one of the “symptoms” of alcoholism, and sometimes you do consider that you are “edging” into such a syndrome. You still have rather strong feelings of responsibility, and you are quite aware of alcohol’s effects… in general and on you.

You don’t want this to adversely affect the rest of your life, but, then, you feel little need to “be productive” or to extend your life by “puritan” or medical means. As I’ve observed, you have been mostly responsible as a drinker… with some occasions of excess of which you’re not proud… but glad that you survived them without lasting harm.

Now you consider, more than you did as a younger adult, that there’s nothing wrong, at your age, in “feeling good”. It is bothersome to be unable to remember details of an evening, but… that’s partly just the result of a deteriorating brain… and… is it worthwhile to remember all of the details? You’ll continue to struggle with this.

It is satisfying to still remember those doctoral students… and be remembered by most of them. You have helped to establish and improve your Department’s reputation, and it continues to be an excellent one… that attracts this next generation of health education professionals, teachers, professors. You haven’t done it “all”, of course, but you deserve some credit, some accolades for your contributions.

There were thoughts of yours, this afternoon, of Obie and his “presence” during your early years. Now he is just a “legend”, who will be remembered less and less, as those of you who knew him retire. And so it shall be with you. Who remembers Tex… Ned… Marian… Ann… even Elena? You’re all part of history, but there is so much history… what gets “lost”? Who is forgotten?

As you reconsider this 2 hour period in this afternoon you did add some “stories”, but wouldn’t it have been fun to tell all that you remembered… that seemed pertinent to you? And will you have such an opportunity before you have really forgotten the incidents that now are memorable “stories”.